Early Signs and Childhood Experiences

Looking back on my life, I realize now that my depression began at a young age. At the time, I was too young to recognize what was wrong or even understand what depression meant. Although it was not as severe as it is now, I can recall spending time alone in my room, shutting out the people around me. These moments of feeling down did not last as long back then, and as a teenager, I could easily distract myself, often by focusing on a boy or escaping through music.

Recognizing Patterns in Adulthood

Now that I am older, I am able to identify specific parts of my life that would prompt me to retreat to my room and isolate myself from the world. Throughout these times, there were only a few people who made me feel valued. My mom was one of them; I felt comfortable confiding in her, knowing she would never judge me or yell at me for my mistakes. She remains the most understanding person I know.

Meaningful Connections

My aunt played an important role in my life as well. She was more like an older sister or a second mom, and she was always there for me no matter what. Although I do not believe she had favorites, I like to think I was her favorite niece. My uncle, who was a bit older than my aunt, also made his love for me clear. Even during disagreements, I never doubted his affection, and I felt his love up until the day he passed away. I also had a cousin who was older than me, but he became my buddy. He told me several times that I was his favorite, and whenever he was around, I was always by his side.

One memory that stands out is from a family gathering when someone commented that I looked like my aunt—not the previously mentioned aunt, but another one whom I had reasons for disliking. This remark always upset me, but my cousin quickly responded, “Nope, you don’t look like her, you look like you.” That simple reply made me happy, and it has become a cherished memory since he, too, has passed away.

Moments of Feeling Less Than

There were also people in my life who consistently made me feel less valued. My grandparents on both sides often overlooked me, and I felt like I was at the bottom of their list of grandchildren. At times, I was even told I was not as good as another female cousin. However, in my adult years, I managed to build positive relationships with all four of my grandparents. Sadly, three of them have since passed away, but I am grateful for the good memories I now have.

Some of my aunts were critical of me, with a few even resorting to body shaming during my teenage years for their own satisfaction. One aunt went so far as to call me and inform me that my recently ex-boyfriend was at her house with my cousin, knowing he was my first love she knew this news would hurt me. Despite the pain these individuals caused, I was able to move past it because I did not have to see them all the time, and their hurtful actions were easier to ignore.

The Impact of My Father

The person whose words and actions stung the most was my dad. I want to start by saying I love my dad, but that love is accompanied by pain and scars. He is the kind of man who believes girls cannot do what boys can. My brother was always at the top of his list; my dad bragged about him and encouraged him, while often telling me that I could not do certain things and needed to step aside so my brother could take over. This happened more than once.

Others have told me that my dad brags about me now, but I have never heard it myself. This lack of acknowledgment brings its own pain. Growing up, I was told I was not good enough, but now I do not get to hear that I am good enough, which feels unfair. Despite everything, my dad is still in my life, perhaps because I am a glutton for punishment.

Lingering Effects and Relationships

I struggle with an overwhelming fear of not being good enough, not being wanted, or not being accepted. I crave approval and reassurance, and this has led me to feel needy and like a burden. In many ways, I feel like a placeholder, simply filling a void until something better comes along. These feelings of sadness and emptiness have spilled over into my relationships. Sometimes, I convinced myself that certain relationships were good simply because I believed they were all I deserved. I settled, never searching for more, because when I looked deep inside myself, I could not see my own worth.

These are my silent cries, hidden behind smiling eyes.