The Ongoing Battle Within

As I have indicated in a previous post, I am a mom. Living with depression while being a parent is a struggle in itself—a constant battle inside myself. I try to hide the emotional pain from my children, not wanting them to witness the demons I face. Sometimes, I wonder what they would think of me if they knew. Would they see me as weak, believing this is something I should be able to overcome easily? Or would they recognize my strength in trying to get better every day?

The Source of My Strength

Through all these years, my children have been my reason for fighting. They are the reason I get up each day and continue to push forward. I question whether they would understand my mistakes or wish I had done more to get better. Sometimes, I worry they might be ashamed of me. Yet, on days when I couldn’t hide my sadness as well and they noticed, their small gestures—a hug or a handwritten note telling me they love me—gave me the push I needed. In those moments, their kindness stitched a broken piece of me back together.

The Healing Process and Parental Guilt

Part of me wants to take a break from writing about this, but I know I need to push on. This is my healing process, and I am supposed to feel all these emotions. To be honest, writing this is hard. I sit here with tears running down my face, finally admitting that in those moments, my children healed a small part of me. Yet, those were also the moments I felt like such a failure as a parent. It’s ironic that the times I felt most like a failure were the very times my children showed compassion—compassion that I had instilled in them.

Opening Up as My Children Grow

For many years, I hid my depression from my children as best as I could. Now that they are older, I realize it is okay for them to know that I struggle. They don’t need to know how severe my struggle is, because I am still their parent and want to shield them, even though they are adults. I still hide most of it from them, but now, when they ask what is wrong, I am able to say, “I’m having a down day,” and they understand. I truly hope that when the day comes that they learn just how severe my depression has been, they will be proud of me.

This is the silent cry behind a mother’s smile.