Striving for Approval and Feelings of Inadequacy

Throughout my life, I never truly realized how much I sought approval in every aspect—how deeply I felt like a failure overall. Reflecting on past relationships, each ending left me wondering what was wrong with me, why I was never good enough.

First Love and Setting a Standard

My very first true love played a significant role in shaping my expectations. We attempted to date multiple times after our initial breakup, and I simply could not let go; I loved him with all my heart. There was a memorable moment when he sat outside on his mother’s car, talking to my brother. As I approached, he immediately grabbed me, pulled me between his legs, and wrapped his arms around me. In that instant, I thought, “I hope I can feel this safe for the rest of my life.” Ever since, I have secretly compared every man to this feeling, yearning to experience it again. Sadly, we did not last—he was like the sky, always present but forever out of reach. I honestly cannot say what I meant to him, though I always felt like a backup.

Subsequent Relationships and Compromised Boundaries

My next relationship ended in an engagement, but I did not want to be married or even engaged. Still, I avoided saying no, worried about hurting his feelings. As he became increasingly controlling, urging me to do things I was not ready for, I eventually broke up with him.

Afterward, I entered another relationship that seemed good at first; we got along well and were intimate throughout most of it. However, one night changed everything. He wanted sex, but I did not. For the first time, I said no—three times, and he still tried. On the fourth attempt, something broke in me. Saying no, refusing to lie in bed, and pushing him away were all ineffective. I finally just lay there, no longer resisting, letting him do what he wanted. Sex lost its emotional meaning for me—not only with him, but with anyone. It became something I did to keep whoever I was with happy. About a month later, I found the courage to leave him.

Later, I was engaged again, not out of desire, but because I did not want to hurt his feelings. This man spent his time body shaming and controlling me, among other things. About a month after accepting his proposal, I left.

Marriage as Escape and Enduring Abuse

Then I met my ex-husband. There was nothing special about our relationship. Truthfully, I was exhausted—tired of being alone, grappling with other issues in my life, and he offered me an escape, so I accepted. Right after our marriage, he quit his job, and the abuse began: he threw a boot at my head, put my head into a wall, threw me across a room, hurled insults, and cheated regularly. I stayed longer than I should have, but eventually, I left.

Finding Love Again and Facing New Challenges

Determined to find happiness alone, I was surprised when my current husband expressed his feelings for me. We dated for a year before he proposed, and for the first time, I said yes out of love—not fear or guilt. Our relationship was relatively healthy, with only minor disagreements and a good sex life at the start, I finally had feelings attached to sex again.

Eventually, things changed—first in small ways. He began spending money we did not have, and I would beg family members for help, promising to pay them back later, usually at income tax time. This became a problem for him: “You need to stop borrowing money.” Sex reverted back to being devoid of feelings, happening only when he wanted it, which was infrequent.

Small issues grew larger: losing our home and cars, moving in with family, repeatedly struggling to make ends meet, finally regaining our own home, only to move back with family again. During this period, he started body shaming me, grew distant, reserved affection for hellos and goodbyes, and only touched me when he wanted a release. Still, I stayed—I was comfortable, adjusted, dealt with it, and accepted this as my life.

The Breaking Point and Self-Realization

What finally broke me was when he began telling me I was a bad mom. You can use me, abuse me, put me at the bottom of your list, keep me as a backup—but you cannot tell me I am a bad mother. Even in moments when I felt like a failure, I always pulled through for my kids, and I know deep down I am a good mom. I make mistakes and will likely make more, but my children can depend on me; I will give my last breath for them.

Moving Forward and Seeking Self-Worth

We are separated now, and I struggle with it. I am uncertain whether I hope for change, crave something familiar, or fear starting over. These are things I am working through, but I know I cannot return to what was. I now understand that I deserve better—I do not deserve to spend my life feeling inadequate or shamed. I deserve love, to be at the top of someone’s list, to be accepted, and to feel something good. These are the silent cries from a smile that might be slowly losing hope in love.