Silent cries from smiling eyes

My First Panic Attack

The first time I experienced a panic attack, I had no idea what was happening to me. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before, and I genuinely believed I was having a heart attack. At the time, I was home alone with my kids, which made the situation even more frightening. My dad lived just a few streets away, and my brother was around the corner. In my panic, I sent the same message to both of them, asking if they were home because something was seriously wrong with me. My brother wasn’t home, and my dad didn’t respond right away, so I called him. He answered, telling me he was already on his way, and within seconds, he was pulling into my driveway. He rushed inside, finding me lying on the couch, desperately trying to calm myself and catch my breath.

My dad took me to the emergency room, where they immediately checked my heart and then moved me to a room. The medical staff had to give me medication to slow my heart rate because it was dangerously high. That was when I learned I was having a panic attack. Since then, I have come to recognize the symptoms, but I never know when one will strike until it’s already started.

The Unpredictability and Severity of My Attacks

Over the years, my panic attacks have only become more severe. There have been times during an episode when I must sit on the toilet with a trash can in front of me, strip off all my clothes, and sit with a fan blowing on me and an ice pack to try to cool down. I now take medication daily to help manage them, but even with medication, the attacks still break through. On occasion, I have even passed out during one.

The attacks are completely unpredictable. Sometimes I get one right before entering a crowded store, or while searching for something in a store and not being able to find it. Other times, I am simply at home, not doing anything in particular. For example, one night while watching TV, I was hit with a panic attack so suddenly that I had to run outside in freezing rain—wearing only a tank top and shorts—just to try to breathe. I ended up sitting on the steps in the rain until the episode passed.

Everyday Triggers and Challenges

Certain situations seem to trigger my panic attacks, but there is no clear pattern. Watching a horror movie once sent me into an attack because I didn’t know who the killer was or why they were doing such terrible things, so I had to turn the movie off. On a family outing to a shopping mall, I ended up sitting on the floor of a store, fighting to regain control. There was also a time when my husband took me to a new restaurant, and not knowing what to order because I had never been there before setting off an attack that I tried to hide at the table.

In addition to panic attacks, I have many physical issues that cause me constant pain. Sometimes the pain becomes so overwhelming that it triggers an attack. I have tried to identify common triggers, but so far, none are consistent. If the attacks only happened when I went out, I could try to prepare myself mentally or adjust when I take my medication. But because they can also happen in the comfort of my own home, I cannot anticipate them. The unpredictability only heightens my anxiety, which in turn worsens my depression. I often wonder: Why am I this way? What is wrong with me?

Living With Anxiety and Hope for Normalcy

I long to feel normal and to leave my house without the constant fear of having a panic attack. Unfortunately, this is my reality—my struggle and my demons. Despite the smiling face I show to the world, this is yet another silent cry for help from behind my eyes.