The Journey Toward Healing

I began this process with the intention of healing, being honest about the harsh realities of depression, and understanding myself. My goal was to unburden my mind and soul, yet I must admit that I still do not know who I am or what I truly want out of life. Most days, I feel more like a burden than a solution—someone who causes problems rather than solves them.

The Struggle with Self-Identity

I fear upsetting those around me, so I rarely make decisions for myself. Instead, I choose what I believe others would find acceptable or pleasing. This constant striving for approval leaves me drained, especially over the past two days, when exhaustion has taken over. I am barely sleeping; even if I manage to fall asleep at a reasonable hour, I am awakened throughout the night, tossing and turning as I try to rest. The lack of sleep only adds to my feelings of anger and moodiness. I feel as though I am at a breaking point.

The Chaos of Everyday Life

At this very moment, I am trying to write while the dogs bark at the cats, who are running around and playing. In another room, cats are fighting. There is never any quiet, and I desperately need a break. My husband has offered to let me come to his house to sleep. He is rarely home and has no animals, and the idea of uninterrupted sleep sounds incredible. Yet, I hesitate because I know that others might not find it acceptable. This leaves me questioning what I should do.

Living for Others

My constant need for approval leads me to put myself last. I drop everything to help people who never show up for me when I am in need. While it feels good to be dependable, it hurts deeply when I ask for help and no one answers. Despite this pain, I continue to be who I am, never letting the hurt change me.

Hiding Pain and Seeking Acceptance

Even while battling depression, I have a big heart. I can quickly slap on a fake smile and pretend to be okay just to please those around me. I never want others to see my true pain or demons; my desire is simply for everyone to be happy. I give love and forgiveness—even to those who do not deserve it—hoping for acceptance and the same kindness in return. But I know that being there for others today does not mean they will be there for me tomorrow. Most will only reach out when they need something, yet I will repeat the process, living my life according to others’ expectations because I want to be accepted and do not want to be a burden.

Fighting Demons in Silence

I save my pain for when I am alone, battling my demons in silence. I pretend to make decisions based on my own judgment, though deep down I am unsure whether I will ever discover who I am. I hope that I will, but on days like today, when it is difficult to see the light, I doubt that it will happen.

The Cycle Begins Again

This marks the start of a down moment—the beginning of a cycle where I become distant and begin shutting people out. It is a repeating process, focused only on the flaws within myself. These are the silent cries of a disappearing smile.